Category Archives: positivity

The Preschoolers Were Acting Up, So I Gave Myself a “Time Out.” Here’s Why.

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Who Needs the Time Out More?

The transition from preschool classroom to Grandma’s car was going great- until it wasn’t.

You know. Change is hard. Especially if you’re 3 ½ (boy, let’s call him B) or 4 ½ (girl, or G) years old.

As every parent, grandparent, or caregiver knows, things with kids can change at the drop of a hat – or, in this case, an accidental head bump with a younger brother.

Suddenly no one would get into the car seats. No one was happy.

“I don’t want to get in the car seat!”
“I wanna go to your house, not our house!”

“B won’t give me the bigger bunch of grapesI”

“She touched me!!!”

Everyone under 5 was whining.

Everyone over 5 (me) was getting this close to whining – or to yelling.

The preschoolers were safely inside the car, tho nowhere near getting into the car seats. I was already late for rehearsal. I could feel myself about to lose it.

So I gave myself a time-out.

I stood outside the car’s open backseat door, watching the chaos. Then I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and rested my forehead on the car.

Weirdly, that’s what got their attention.

“What are you doing, Grandma?”

“I’m giving myself a timeout. So I don’t start yelling.”

And I started counting to 20.

At about number 14, B was in his car seat. Yay! I buckled him in, and moved around to the other side of the car where G was stubbornly standing,  doling out the snacks.

One down, one more to go.

No luck.

I tried the usually effective technique:

“You have two great choices here. Either you can get into the car seat yourself, or Grandma will be your helper and I’ll help you get in the seat. (Thank you, Claire Lerner’s book, Why Is My Child In Charge?). I’ll count to 10 and you can let me know your decision.”

All of this said, as best as I could manage, in a loving and nonjudgmental tone.

This acting challenge was getting really difficult.

And, by the time I got to 9 – counting painfully slowly – I could see that it wasn’t going to work.

G  just wanted to win this one, and her own indecision and stubbornness were adding to her own stress – not to mention mine.

So I said this:

“I’m going to give myself a timeout until my mad mood goes away and I don’t feel like yelling anymore. I really hope you’ll be in your car seat by then. But if you aren’t then at least I’ll be able to help you into the seat gently.”

I turned away from G, took deep breaths and counted to 20. At 15, I said to myself (out loud, so G could hear):

“Gee, I sure hope G is in her seat by the time I get to 20.”

At number 19, she climbed in.

Score one for Grandma…and also for G, who had made the decision herself, without (I think) feeling like she had lost some battle of wills.

I think I discovered, quite by accident, another use of the “timeout.”:

By taking one for myself, I may have shown the kids that timeouts are not punishments, but rather opportunities to regroup and take responsibility for one’s own mood.

At least I hope so.

But it worked. Even if G had not gotten into the car seat, at least I showed her, by example, how I realized I had to recognize, and take control of, my own feelings.

I sure hope it works next time.

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Badass, or Balance?- What Matters More?

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Let’s say you want to reach for the stars, attain that audacious goal, drive a BMW.

There are lots of books and workshops that teach you how to visualize those positive outcomes, face your fears, walk over those hot coals, get yourself behind the wheel of that fancy car.

Wahoo! But – wait.

Two problems here:

  • One: what if you know all that you are “supposed” to do to manifest your dreams, but you just can’t find the energy to do it because you’re mired in self-doubt, loneliness, or anxiety?
  • Two: What if you get to your goal, and you are still not satisfied? What happens the morning after the success? The week after the seminar ends? How long does the high last?

As the dying Steve Jobs might have said (there is doubt about the source, but the sentiment is immensely popular) ,  “Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq ft – loneliness is the same.”

Yet – What sells more? Change, or Contentment? Fame/Success, or Happier? 

Truth is: We need one (Happier) to get to, and balance the other (Success).

Does my book Happier Made Simple: Choose Your Words. Change Your Life., make a flashy enough promise? Does happier hold a candle to promises of wealth and fame? 

We’ll see.  

What Is YOUR Balance?

Self-Development Book Clubs are full of recommendations for Goal-Setting and Personal Success in reaching higher for wealth, success, fame. Tony Robbins, Jen Sincero – I salute you. You have inspired many.

But – is that all there is? And – if you don’t strike a life balance, if you don’t have room for the little pleasures of life on the way to “success”, what is the point?

With that in mind, I rewrote my answer in the Author Q and A from my media kit:
 Why did you write Happier Made Simple ?
You know, “happier” isn’t as flashy as, say “wildly successful”, or “wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.” We live in a goal-oriented world, full of promises if we just “quit that boring job”, take a risk, make a vision board with the car we want to drive, the celebrities we want to meet, the lifestyle we covet.

What sells more? Change, or Contentment? Fame/Success, or Happier? 

Truth is: We need one (Happier) to get to, and balance the other (Success).

And/or – we want to live a life of purpose – helping others, sharing our gifts, feeling good about our contributions. But – if we’re lost in an inner world of self-pity, self-doubt and fear, we’re left with no energy to live that purpose. There’s little of ourselves left to give. With steps to happier, we free ourselves to explore our potential, reach those goals, live a life of greater balance, and live our purpose.
So – when we strive to be happier, we have more moments of contentment, confidence, and love for others. Without happier moments, the rest is unattainable. But does being happier have to be so complicated?

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Funny You Should Ask: “How do you stay so positive?”

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I think I recognize the eyes and the hair. Is that my friend Beth behind the N95 mask? (One of the all-too-familiar new brain tasks in our Covid-19 world.)

Yes, it is Beth, and we carefully hug each other hello (faces pointed away to avoid germs, sheesh) in the supermarket aisle. It has been way too long. 

I really miss seeing people’s faces and hugging without fear. Sigh.

Anyway. After the health and family check-ins, Beth says:

“I’ve been meaning to call you for ages. I really want to talk some time about how you stay so positive through all this, and everything else that has happened in your life.”

(Seriously. I have not made this up.)

“Funny you should ask,” I say. “I’ve just written a book about that very thing.”

guess I should have worn this button sent by Book coach Cathy Fyock!

Beth’s question represents the reason I wrote Happier Made Simple. 

It has been a decade since I wrote the memoir about our family experience with serious mental illness, and the grief and hope that seesaws with that challenge. I’ve spoken to a lot of groups about our journey, and that very same question almost always comes up in the Q&A after a talk.

I answered the question “How do you stay so positive?” so often that dozens of people followed it with, “you should write a book about that.”

I procrastinated for ten years, but now the book is written, and on its way to readers soon.

Thanks for asking!  Your questions have been the inspiration to do my best to answer them. We non-fiction authors hold the same hope: that our words can be of help.

 

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