When I left Morning Radio, I swore I would never wake up before the sunrise again.
I’d earned it. 3:15 AM for eight years, seriously?
Yet here I am, coffee in hand, watching the sun rise through the trees outside my kitchen window.
For the second day in a row.
My brain wakes me up – to…what? write?
Am I, like, a writer now?
My meek self answers: Um, I guess so?
Sure, I’ve written a book or two. My first one was published ten years ago. It still sells, albeit modestly (there goes that meek voice again, oops). My latest book launches in 11 days, officially, and in this waiting period (truth be told, there is a lot to do, so not technically waiting) I have way too much time to second-guess myself.
As you can see, I write blog posts too. Not sure who reads them, but I write them.
Does that make me a “writer”?
I write to get my spinning brain to spit it out, organize the thoughts, refine the message, and share it.
It’s the sharing part that sometimes eludes me. Yes, good enough for me – but other people?
Here comes the too-familiar words that lock the door: Who am I to think that I have something of value to offer to the world? I’m not really a writer. Not really.
And, yet, I’m sitting here – well, writing.
Because, for some reason, I have to. So there, doubting inner voice.
So, for today, the message has changed, from Why me? To Why not me? To Of course, me!
I have to write today. The knock on the door was too loud to ignore this morning.
I want to learn to hear it more often, and open the door to embrace the muse, collaborate, and share the light.
Why do we hold ourselves back?
I’m no stranger to living life as a right-brained “creative.” I’ve taken the personality tests,I know I’d totally suck as an accountant or researcher. You just have to look at the way I take notes at a meeting (scribbles, doodles, arrows, different fonts) to nail me as not-that-linear. I love to be on stage, to sing, to act, to speak. I’ve made a decent living at some of these things.
Decent, yes – but, usually, just enough. Enough to raise my kids. To pay my mortgage. To meet the bills. Often, by the skin of my teeth. As if that is all the magnificence I’ll allow myself.
I’m working on the change to more. More confidence, more creativity, more connection, more sharing of the light that keeps knocking at my door, daring (or begging?) me to get it done – and out there.
Really out there. For anyone who needs what my muse and I have to offer.
What muse is knocking at your door?
Are you just peeking through the curtain, making sure they have the right house?
Or – are you triple-locking the door and staying purposefully silent, hoping they will just go away already and leave you in peace so you can get the dishes done?
Or – is the door open, or at least, opening, to the creativity within you?
Why do we fear our own unique spectacular?
My door is open this morning. I’m hoping to keep it open, and fix those rusty hinges (metaphorically speaking, people – mu actual door hinges are fine, thank you WD-40) so that it doesn’t keep closing on the muse that wants me to keep at it – to get those words out of my head and into some form so they can travel to others who might need to hear what I have to share.
This part is not easy.
Why? Those old companions – doubt, fear, the habit of staying smaller than I want to be.
Wow. That last one. This needs to be explored.
Why do we stay smaller than we can be, like a peacock with feathers that refuse to open to their full magnificence – ever?
Sure, it would be exhausting to display the spectacular you all the time – and, well, annoying.
But, when we need to shine our light, when others might benefit what we have to offer, helps to know why we only open the door a crack, at best.
What holds you back sometimes, when your creative muse comes a’knockin’ , loud and hard?
And what gets you to open that door? Is it a favorite quote? An inspiring book? A piece of music? A friend who says the right thing at the right time?
This morning, ask the question and see what you know. Change starts with awareness.
For this moment, my door is wide open. Looking for doorstops to keep it from closing.
What works for you?