Tag Archives: self-talk

Happier: The Authentic and Resilient Foundation for Success

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John Jaramillo and I had so much fun sharing ideas, that this Book Leads podcast/show went way over the hour! Hope you enjoy listening as much as we loved chatting about leadership, books, setting and reaching goals but with a solid foundation of what really matters in the big picture of your life:

What is the Book Leads Podcast?

John speaks to specialists and experts across various industries and from varied backgrounds to learn about the book that made an impact and left an impression on their work, life, and leadership.

Here are his show notes from the episode: Enjoy!

For this episode, multi-faceted, multi-talented, and fellow multipotentialite Randye Kaye walks me through the heart of her own book on happiness and what it took for her – through the ups and downs of her own life – to come to the realization of how much we can really enhance our own happiness.

We can’t do what the self-help and development gurus suggest for us without a sound foundation of our own fulfillment to work upon. We all want to build more in our lives, working toward goals and dreams, but without that authentic and resilient foundation, anything we build today can more easily cave into itself and be undone tomorrow.

I love that message most of all from my conversation with Randye: We need to have a sound foundation before we go out and try all the advice that’s out there for how to achieve more. I’ve seen it in my coaching when clients have finally gone back to who they’ve always been – their values, needs, and wants – and what they had forgotten and forfeited, but return to again, feeling more authentic and fulfilled.

Some highlights from this episode:

From Randye: “The combination of being comfortable with yourself — that we’re more than just our achievements — and that we’re lovable even being stripped of our achievements and titles, is also important at the end of the day with how your life has been lived.”

The Stephen Sondheim quote, “Anything you do, let it come from you. Then it will be new.” comes up and is pertinent to our conversation. This is a major lesson we need to hear and understand when it comes to how we express ours views in life. We learn what the acronym B.R.E.A.T.H.E stands for. This kind of happiness is not about Toxic Positivity – that everything has to work out 24/7.”

The MAIN QUESTION that underlies my conversation with Randye is, Do you know what happiness really means to you, what your own definition and feeling of it are?

About Randye: Connect, Create, Communicate – that’s the thread that runs through Randye’s work as radio personality, improv and stage actor, drama teacher, humorist, podcast host, writer, motivational speaker, voice talent, and audiobook narrator. Her latest book, Happier Made Simple: Choose Your Words. Change Your Life. reached #1 International Bestseller status on Launch Day. Her previous bestselling title, Ben Behind His Voices: One Family’s Journey from the Chaos of Schizophrenia to Hope, was nominated for a Publisher’s Weekly Award. She lives with her family in Connecticut.

Learn more about Randy, her work, and her book at www.randyekaye.com and www.happiermadesimple.com

Watch the episode on YouTube: https://lnkd.in/ey_KTZe

Learn more about The Book Leads: https://lnkd.in/eFb76ck

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Badass, or Balance?- What Matters More?

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Let’s say you want to reach for the stars, attain that audacious goal, drive a BMW.

There are lots of books and workshops that teach you how to visualize those positive outcomes, face your fears, walk over those hot coals, get yourself behind the wheel of that fancy car.

Wahoo! But – wait.

Two problems here:

  • One: what if you know all that you are “supposed” to do to manifest your dreams, but you just can’t find the energy to do it because you’re mired in self-doubt, loneliness, or anxiety?
  • Two: What if you get to your goal, and you are still not satisfied? What happens the morning after the success? The week after the seminar ends? How long does the high last?

As the dying Steve Jobs might have said (there is doubt about the source, but the sentiment is immensely popular) ,  “Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq ft – loneliness is the same.”

Yet – What sells more? Change, or Contentment? Fame/Success, or Happier? 

Truth is: We need one (Happier) to get to, and balance the other (Success).

Does my book Happier Made Simple: Choose Your Words. Change Your Life., make a flashy enough promise? Does happier hold a candle to promises of wealth and fame? 

We’ll see.  

What Is YOUR Balance?

Self-Development Book Clubs are full of recommendations for Goal-Setting and Personal Success in reaching higher for wealth, success, fame. Tony Robbins, Jen Sincero – I salute you. You have inspired many.

But – is that all there is? And – if you don’t strike a life balance, if you don’t have room for the little pleasures of life on the way to “success”, what is the point?

With that in mind, I rewrote my answer in the Author Q and A from my media kit:
 Why did you write Happier Made Simple ?
You know, “happier” isn’t as flashy as, say “wildly successful”, or “wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.” We live in a goal-oriented world, full of promises if we just “quit that boring job”, take a risk, make a vision board with the car we want to drive, the celebrities we want to meet, the lifestyle we covet.

What sells more? Change, or Contentment? Fame/Success, or Happier? 

Truth is: We need one (Happier) to get to, and balance the other (Success).

And/or – we want to live a life of purpose – helping others, sharing our gifts, feeling good about our contributions. But – if we’re lost in an inner world of self-pity, self-doubt and fear, we’re left with no energy to live that purpose. There’s little of ourselves left to give. With steps to happier, we free ourselves to explore our potential, reach those goals, live a life of greater balance, and live our purpose.
So – when we strive to be happier, we have more moments of contentment, confidence, and love for others. Without happier moments, the rest is unattainable. But does being happier have to be so complicated?

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Embracing the Muse: What Are We Afraid of?

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When I left Morning Radio, I swore I would never wake up before the sunrise again.

I’d earned it. 3:15 AM for eight years, seriously?

Yet here I am, coffee in hand, watching the sun rise through the trees outside my kitchen window.

For the second day in a row.

My brain wakes me up – to…what? write?

To write?

Am I, like, a writer now?

My meek self answers: Um, I guess so?

Sure, I’ve written a book or two. My first one was published ten years ago. It still sells, albeit modestly (there goes that meek voice again, oops). My latest book launches in 11 days, officially, and in this waiting period (truth be told, there is a lot to do, so not technically waiting) I have way too much time to second-guess myself.

As you can see, I write blog posts too. Not sure who reads them, but I write them.

Does that make me a “writer”?

I write to get my spinning brain to spit it out, organize the thoughts, refine the message, and share it.

It’s the sharing part that sometimes eludes me. Yes, good enough for me – but other people?

Here comes the too-familiar words that lock the door: Who am I to think that I have something of value to offer to the world? I’m not really a writer. Not really.

And, yet, I’m sitting here – well, writing.

Because, for some reason, I have to. So there, doubting inner voice.

So, for today, the message has changed, from Why me? To Why not me? To Of course, me!

I have to write today. The knock on the door was too loud to ignore this morning.

I want to learn to hear it more often, and open the door to embrace the muse, collaborate, and share the light.

Why do we hold ourselves back?

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Hindsight Resolutions: What Got Done in 2021?

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What Got Done is Also Who You Are!

Happy New Year! If you feel like you’ve already let yourself down by not yet making any Resolutions for 2022, you can opt to give yourself a break.

How? Just decide not to make any resolutions this year. Instead, take a look back and see how 2021 played out for you. You might be pleasantly surprised at how much you accomplished – or at least survived – in the last 12 months.

Yay, you! Pat yourself on the back.

For inspiration, take a look at your calendar, and some photos, of the past year. Then answer these two questions:

  1. What got done in 2021? This is the place for things you accomplished, even (maybe especially) if you just went with the flow and took a spontaneous shot. It could be anything, from finally replacing the toaster to earning a PhD. If you feel proud (or relieved) it counts! This list is more proactive – life didn’t force it upon you. You created the change.
  2. What challenges did you meet/survive/learn from in 2021? Here is where you give yourself credit for getting through the stuff life threw at you this past year. We all get a free square for living through another year of Covid.
  3. If you rewrote (or wrote) your 2021 resolutions now, with the hindsight of what actually happened, how cool would you look?

If, at least, sometimes, life is what happens while we are making other plans, then what does your personal history have to teach you?

Share your top three items in the comments! (just click the bubble next to this article’s title)

Be proud! You are a rock star.

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Parenting: The Love Whose Goal is Separation

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Children Must Learn to Ride Without Us, Step by Step

I waited at the school bus stop for E, my oldest (Kindergarten) grandchild, and looked forward to the huge smile and hug she always gives when she sees it’s me meeting the bus today.

This time, though, I got a consolation hug and a small smile. No running into my arms. No “Hi, Grandma!!!!!” . Instead, E handed me her backpack and walked four steps ahead of me to be with the two older girls who live across the street.

For the first time as a grandparent, I got the lukewarm shoulder. Oh, E was sweet and respectful, but I didn’t feel like the bestest person in the whole wide world in that moment.

Ouch.

For the first time as a grandparent, I got the lukewarm shoulder.

As a parent, I’d gone through this twice already. I know all too well the ego hit when your son or daughter grows away from depending completely on you to stepping further and further into the world.

Then I read this passage from The Art of Loving, by Erich Fromm.

In erotic love, two people who were separate become one. In motherly love, two people who were one become separate. The mother must not only tolerate, she must wish and support the child’s separation.

This is not meant as a total embrace of Fromm’s writings: I find a lot of it sexist and otherwise flawed, but this quote, standing alone, helped me view parenting through a different lens, and I’ll need it again as the grandkids grow up and step away.

The goal is separation.

The best gift we can give a child is the love, support and confidence to eventually take over their own lives, wisely and well, with confidence.

For that, we take little steps away, as appropriate, and our own egos must relearn to find other sources of esteem when our children begin to notice that we aren’t perfect, and that we are not the center of their universe all the time.

Painful, yes, but necessary – for our growing children and grandchildren, and for us.

Someday we will be an embarrassment to our children. That’s the hard truth. No matter how cool we think we are, they will find us, um, let’s just say less than cool.

I guess I just didn’t expect a moment of that from a kindergartner. Sigh.

The best gift we can give a child is the love, support and confidence to eventually take over their own lives, wisely and well, with confidence.

The goal is separation….with love. Doesn’t mean we can’t be the safety net, the foundation, the guideposts…but when children show signs of being okay without us, that is a good thing.

Gotta remember that when the two younger ones get off that bus in a year or two.

 

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Can Words Help Us Mid-Panic Attack?

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Last week I experienced my first panic attack. Ever.

At least, that’s what the internet says it was.

All I know is: my body took over my brain. My heartbeat was too fast, too loud, too strong. My limbs were trembling. My mind and my heart were both racing; nausea took over my digestive system. I was one step away from asking my husband to take me to the Emergency Room – but I had no idea what they could have done for me. I would have voted for temporary oblivion.

Instead, I talked myself off the cliff- well, I talked myself away from the edge of the cliff – using the advice from my own book.

Talk about a test of the material.

The Core Phrases are not designed to fix any serious mental illness or condition – but it was worth a try. It turned out to be enough to allow me to get some hours of sleep, and to function at work the next day.

What happened?

Background: I’ve had three surgeries on my left hip, and the last two contained some “surprises” – in one case, a damaged nerve that resulted in paralysis of the left knee for months; in another, a defect in the replacement causing it suddenly to slip out of place, leaving me to squeak like a rusty hinge with each step until emergency surgery could be scheduled.

That was two years ago, and though I don’t have full function in the leg, I can walk. I’ll take it, gratefully.

But suddenly, last week, out of nowhere: shooting pain in that hip. Like – owwww!

I can deal with pain fairly well – I gave birth to two children – but what caused the panic?

Fear. And the unknown. My body remembers sudden trauma all too well, and my inner (primal) brain just took over my logical brain.

I did not decide to have a panic attack. My fear just stepped in and took over.  It worked overtime.

To make it even more stressful, I had to be up all week at 3 AM to do a work shift (radio), and there was no understudy.

Worry layered over worry – and pain, and nausea.

So I did the only thing I could do -I took my own advice. I lay there, trembling, and focused on my breath. I tried to take air all the way in. With each inhale, I started repeating the two phrases that seemed helpful through the fear:

All Will Be Well. (Core Phrase #4, Trust)

and

Whatever Happens, I’ll Handle It Somehow. (Core Phrase #7, Esteem)

Did I miraculously get all better? No. But the ship turned around enough so that I stopped spiraling, and didn’t make myself worse.

I repeated those phrases over and over until, mercifully, I fell asleep. I repeated them again at midnight when my fear woke me up again, and got three more hours of sleep. I was able to get up, walk (with a walker) to work, and get the job done. And research my symptoms to understand what my body had decided to do.

I’ll confirm at my orthopedic surgeon appointment tomorrow, but I think the hip pain is muscular (a muscle that rests on the sciatic nerve), and the rest of the episode was, indeed, my body in panic mode.

With any luck, this is treatable. With more luck, non-surgically.

But in the meantime, I know how to talk myself away from the cliff’s edge. Words work.

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